How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize