This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Welp...herpes.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
