I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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