So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
