I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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