Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
