just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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