Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
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Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
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I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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