she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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