My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She's the barista slut.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
