Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
