I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
