Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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