Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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