Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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