I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I could fuck to npr.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
