We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
