Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
