He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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