3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
