No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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