If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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