when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
