the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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