what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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