Got a toothbrush?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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