walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
