I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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