You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Princesses don't give blow jobs
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
