I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
