I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
They have beer where we have blood.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
