god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My room smells like vodka and shame
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
