I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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