i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i believe in u and ur pee
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
