Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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