new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
