It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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