I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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