I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
