can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Duck Duck Cougar?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
so much tequila, so little girl.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
