nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
