I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
