It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
