Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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