You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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