I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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