And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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