life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
