before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
