we made out on top of his cat.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
