Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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