I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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