I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
