i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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