Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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