If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
