Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
