I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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