i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
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