The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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